so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
