They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
