apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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