I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Boobs are out for the taking
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
