i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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