Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
