i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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