i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine