awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.