We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
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smell my finger.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.