Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
