I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
