I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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