Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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