Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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