This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
