I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need to calm my uterus...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
