I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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