Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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