i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
