Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
