I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
