Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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