if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
