God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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