I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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