Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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