I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
