that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
