I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
