oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize