Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
nutella sex= disaster
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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