U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
