I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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