oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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