my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
