sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
