I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
