I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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