I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
