The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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