Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize