he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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