I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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