god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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