Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
