i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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