The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
40s are totally the cure
i believe in u and ur pee
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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