hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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