im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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