happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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