im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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