dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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