I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
