Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
