made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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