I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
