Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
