remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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