I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
