Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
