weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
