I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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