so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
