I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
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